last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
