She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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