did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
