My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
