last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
