I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
