I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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