I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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