Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
