Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
