even my farts smell like vagina
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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