you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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