i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
