Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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