Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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