I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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