I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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