All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
