is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
