you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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