i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I am naked and annoyed.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
