I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
