my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
