I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
