I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
