So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
