I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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