Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
