you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
