My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
