3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
handjob tips. give me some.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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