Soap is not a condiment
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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