Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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