Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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