there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
