i jhust puked up my retainher.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
