Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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