so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
