Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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