I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Go christen that room with your naked body.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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