OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
