i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
