you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
