i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Bring me that man meat
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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