I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
