It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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