Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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