she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize