sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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