it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
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I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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