this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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