hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
This baby is an asshole
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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