a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
