My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
