I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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