i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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