tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
