My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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