I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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