When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
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Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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